[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.