Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
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We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
“Please hold for the president.”
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed