@PJTLynch

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

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@bougerella

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

@Grrdno

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

@abhorrent_wife

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

@GetCougarized

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

@Mardigroan

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

@david8hughes

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

@DanLaMorte

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

@jonnysun

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed