Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
You Might Also Like
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.