[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
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Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Banking tips
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then