@ericsshadow

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

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@Brampersandon_

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

@spookperson

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

@fillthevacuum

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

@abhorrent_wife

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

@sfreeze6

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

@fixyourcompass

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

@_Mo_lee_

This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life