annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
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I only treason on days ending in y
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.