@rn_murse

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

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@unravelingfire

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

@Torgo_phylum

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

@meganamram

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

@bessbell

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

@michael_aas

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

@SketchesbyBoze

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

@BeamishBoi

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

@JeffMyspace

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

@recursivetaco

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She’s always getting mad at me

“There’s a shark living in our pool”

IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN