Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
You Might Also Like
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Did I do this right
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )