Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Yup.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are