Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
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My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.