Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
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Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
This is Sparta
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”