Another interesting #factupdates post!
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FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”