“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
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My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Sharon I have some bad news
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.