@JermHimselfish Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
@DartsBofficial Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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@JermHimselfish 
@SarcasticCharm Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
@jehujeni I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
@Ryan_Patricks *Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
@serialmatrix I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
@antheanton If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
@meganamram R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
@CArmanthegirl He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
@XennDad my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
@daniel_shaw Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”