I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Can you say your strengths?
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones