Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

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Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together


Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.


I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.


*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*


I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”


If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉


my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car


Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”