@DartsBofficial

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

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@Robert_Beau

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

@MiddlingMs

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

@Elizasoul80

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

@tobyhonk

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

@badAzz_mom

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

@TragicAllyHere

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

@apok842

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

@Cheles_G

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones