Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
You Might Also Like
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello