@DartsBofficial

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

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@JermHimselfish

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

@SarcasticCharm

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

@jehujeni

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

@Ryan_Patricks

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

@serialmatrix

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

@antheanton

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

@XennDad

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

@daniel_shaw

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”