Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
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[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Two types of dogs.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.