Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
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Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
still the best tweet of the year by far
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.