Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
let’s discuss
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
so, is there a mister shapen head
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.