Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
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Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
🛁
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”