Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
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I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
this is funnier than any friends episode
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.