Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
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I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
That 👊