[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
You Might Also Like
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Google Pay be like:
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.