[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
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guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.