*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
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There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
english majors be like furthermore
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?