Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
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[canadians at you, canadianly]
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*