Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day