Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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Pretty much! 😂👀
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My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Meat Cute
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!