Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Pretty much! 😂👀
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Meat Cute
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!