Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting