*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Chemical wingman
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?