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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said βI love you so much that if someone chopped your head off Iβd carry it around forever in a bagβ
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this π
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Reeseβs Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%β…butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
[cats] think iβll go to another part of the house and scream at god
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] α΄΄α΅α΅ α΅α΅αΆα΅α΅α΅Λ’
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
like idgaf iβll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.