*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
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A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average