Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!