[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
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Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.