Answers phone, makes modem noises…
You Might Also Like
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
this article brought to you by lions
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My first son he is wonderful
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”