Answers phone, makes modem noises…
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Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.