ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
why I oughta
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.