Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
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I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff