ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
You Might Also Like
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?