[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
The sacred texts.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
relationship goals