Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
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I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.