Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.