Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.