[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
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Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Good news
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well