Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

😂🐾

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

you will never know the true number of layers

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra