[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.