Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
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I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?