ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
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78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
3% human
97% stress
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.