Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
so much to do
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
me before I type out affect or effect
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no