Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
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construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
i actually laughed 😩
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.