Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
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me after drinking all the wine:
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
“Wait, let me explain..”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.