[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I am never leaving this website
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.