@ericastration
@chaoplasm This is the best one I’ve seen
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@chaoplasm 
@brycoo [HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
@zachreinert0 Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
@Marlebean 🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
@BrassBallsCJ Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
@timdonakowski GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
@callieac8 Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
@Manda_like_wine I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
@AndyAsAdjective wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
@Ygrene Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher