[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Don’t snitch tag.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing