Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
You Might Also Like
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo