Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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Ken is short for chicken
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Ah..makes sense now
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.