Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
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Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral